How not to have bad sex

I've been fortunate not to have had much bad sex in my life. I have avoided one night stands and my bedpost notches are surprisingly few. (I'm picky, what can I say.) However I recently had some spectacularly bad sex, so bad that I feel I need to warn you all how not to have sex that bad. Ever.


It was with a guy I used to date and now sleep with occasionally when we see each other. This was the first time we'd seen each other since my horrible painful breakup and I was looking forward to some light-hearted horizontal stress relief. We sat in bed and played backgammon first, which is an internationally recognised foreplay technique, then did the whole "Oo I'm so tired, let's go to sleep thing".

Anyway so there was some actual foreplay (not enough, which was probably a clue that we should have just stopped there) then the fucking itself began. Now, I'd like it on record before I continue that when the following happened, he was actually, y'know, inside me, and I was still only about two months away from a horrible painful breakup with a man that I was trying to forget but was probably still a bit in love with.

Now I like to talk dirty during sex, so we were, and then mid-thrust he said this:

"Oo you dirty girl, I can't believe you haven't had sex since [insert name of ex boyfriend here]."

Erm.

What?

Men, just in case you were wondering, mentioning your companion's heartbreaker ex DURING sex is not an aphrodisiac. Never ever do it.

I went from 'totally in the mood' to 'never want to have sex again ever' in the space of about two and a half seconds. It ended there.