I met my last boyfriend online dating. Until he went a bit nuts and broke my heart, it was a wonderful relationship. But I don't want to tell you about that - I'd much rather tell you about all the dates I had before I met him.
Online dating, if you've never done it, is a strange world, especially amongst the young (I think it's different for older people or divorcees, they have less shame and are more willing to pimp themselves out for a shag). Everyone is quite embarrassed about being there and a lot of the guys who do it seem to be looking for such a specific girl that they are unwilling to speak to anyone who isn't, for example, 5:4, exactly 8 stone, brunette, working in marketing, born in June under a full moon and an avid kite boarder. (I made that up). Anyway I did go on a few dates before I met Mental Guy and here are the stories of some of them.
Date one - Builder Guy
Builder guy is from Cumbria, he plays rugby and about as different to my last boyfriend as he could be. We meet in a town called Hexham between Newcastle and Carlisle, in a coffee shop. Builder Guy is very large and has a permanently grubby look about him even when he's clean. (It's ok, I quite like that). I cannot express to you how out of place Builder Guy looked in that coffee shop. He knocks over chairs, he drops a cup, he spills tea. This is good for me as I am prolifically clumsy, thus I have never felt so feminine or graceful. We talk, a lot. I understand approximately 20% of what he says.
Despite this we do get on really well. About 4pm I tell him I need to go as I'm heading into the wilds of Northumberland to stay with family who live on a farm there. Builder Guy offers to give me a lift and before I know it, I'm sitting in a white van surrounded by tools heading into the hills. (Ladies, this is not advisable for your first date with a stranger. Recounting this to my best friend later had her shrieking "STRANGER DANGER!!" at me in horrified tones.)
Anyway, I feel pretty safe with Builder Guy, and we eventually find ourselves at the farm. I have a very large, loud, opinionated family. My cousin has a firearms license. Two of my brothers, all four of my cousins, two of my sisters in law and my aunt and uncle all happen to be at the farm at the time, and when we pull up they are all peering at us out of the kitchen window. I wonder briefly whether they have the guns to hand.
Builder Guy ends up coming in and meeting my family, which is awkward for two reasons. Firstly because I barely know him, and the fascinated eyes of half of my large and frankly terrifying family are boring into us with barely concealed glee. Secondly, I am very attracted to Builder Guy and half an hour of intense sexual tension in his van in a potentially risky situation has left my loins on fire and my knickers completely soaking. This is not what you want when on your first date and suddenly find yourself surrounded by family members.
Eventually, to my enormous relief, because it is starting to snow in earnest, Builder Guy has to leave to drive back to Cumbria. I take him to the back door where we politely shake hands. He leans in and kisses me hard, digging his fingers into my waist. Then he turns around and gets back into his van. I have to take a moment before I go back into the house to a roomful of smirks and a barrage of questions.
Builder Guy texts me later to say he's home, had a good time and would I like a hand with moving house next week? We're still friends.
Next week - Soldier Guy.
No comments:
Post a Comment