Dos and Donts of First Dates



"Lets get so trashed we don't remember this tomorrow darling!"



It's not like I've been on a lot of dates. But I see everything as a learning opportunity and that's really all that some of them were, at best. I haven't had one in a long time. (Or a date, HA. You're welcome.)But I'm going on a really important first date soon, and lying in bed this morning contemplating how I can achieve being as little of a total dick as possible, the following rules of first dates came to mind.



1. Pick a location with as few embarrassment factors as possible, especially if you are as monumentally clumsy as I am. I once knocked a table over on a date. There was simply not enough room for my ass in that cafe. Along with all those wine glasses. Which brings me to my next point:

2. Judge carefully the amount of alcohol you consume on a date. Either drink too little and avoid any disastrous accidents, see above, or horrifyingly candid personal revelations, or far too much which will mean you won't remember either the aforementioned verbal diarrhoea or the drunken stranger sex you will inevitably have afterwards.

3. Ask a lot of questions. Not only will you appear interesting and engaged, but you need to distract your date as much as possible while you nick his wallet.

4. Choose a venue with a decent bathroom. You will be able to inspect your beautiful pre-Raphaelite form in the mirror at half time, and decent bathrooms usually have decent sized windows from which you will need to escape head-first if your date turns out to have a caved in forehead or penchant for taxidermy.

5. Take a method of self defence in your handbag. Not only will this prove useful once he has started driving you out to the woods with his balaclava and four bore shotgun in tow, but should it occur, you can always jab a meat fork into his thigh during a lapse in conversation. It makes for excellent post-date banter.

6. Finally, take photos of your parents with you. You eventually have to be honest about what you'll probably look like in ten years time, and now is as good a time as any to break it to your new romantic interest that your mother wrestles bears before breakfast or that your father's nose hair has been inextricably entangled with his moustache since the early 1980s.